Brides . . . The Beauties and The Bitches

Why Do You Want to Get Married?

When it comes to getting married, there are brides who are truly beautiful inside and out and then there are brides who turn into the dreaded Bridezilla. I have dealt with all types of brides on their wedding day, and trust me, all the stress, nervousness, anxiety, excitement, vomiting, freak outs and family drama, comes out while everyone is getting ready. After so many years of making brides pretty, I can tell within minutes of walking in the door on the wedding day, if a bride should be getting married or not. It is my intention that by retelling the love stories, plus all the crazy stories, that I will make future brides laugh, while also realizing how easy it is to become a Bridezilla. My goal is to bring to the forefront the fact that getting married is truly not just about the dress, the flowers, the photos or any other crap. Getting married is really about a ceremony and celebration that signifies the union of two people who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together. It is the time of your life when you go from it being all about “you” to it being all about “us”! Believe it or not. . . a wedding is not just about the “bride” and it’s not the “bride’s day” (as society would have us believe). A wedding is actually about the groom and the bride! Go figure! (Interestingly enough, there have also been a few sightings of the rare and elusive creature, “Groomzilla”!)

The Drunk and Drugged-out Bitch

Women get married for lots of reasons, however, one of the reasons NOT to get married is because you have already planned it. This was the situation with one of my brides. She was nine months into the wedding planning process with only a few months to the big day when the shit hit the fan.

Life intervened and she lost her job, her groom lost his mind (temporarily due to a prescription drug habit) and they were feeling the “pre-wedding” financial crunch. Deep inside, she knew she should call it off, but at the urging of her friends, she kept it going. Besides, it was going to be a great party, right? Wrong!

The Day Before:

When I arrived for my bride’s hair and makeup trial prior to her rehearsal dinner, I found my bride in her bikini, four margaritas in, and a hot and sweaty mess.  (WTFare you serious! This chick is on her way to being white-girl-wasted and I have to make her look good, and God help me if she doesn’t like it!) After a lot of encouragement, plus bribing with a fresh margarita, I finally got my bride into the shower. (Well, if she doesn’t pass out in the shower, we might get started only 45 minutes late . . . gotta love it! I really should start charging by the minute!) We finally got started and as I was making her pretty, my bride vented non-stop about how her fiancé had not lifted a finger to help with any of the planning or details over the past week. (Well girlfriend, of course he hasn’t helped, you’re a control freak and he is most likely petrified to do something and God forbid he does it wrong, yikes!)  The session got really interesting when she spilled the juicy tidbit that a few months ago she had had to deal with his “small Percocet problem”. (OMG, this “small” problem was obviously still a problem as the groom was visibly stoned out of his mind when I arrived.) The shower had sobered up my bride, but after another margarita out came the full confession. The last six months had been super stressful and she had felt completely isolated. She admitted that she had seriously thought about postponing the wedding, but she was convinced to keep going. With a big sigh, she half smiled, raised her glass and stated, “Well, I am here, it’s happening, so fuck it, I am going to have a good time!” I laughed as she slammed back her margarita. A few minutes later she asked her bridesmaid to get her a couple of Xanax and another margarita. (Jesus Christ, how the fuck is this chick gonna stand up at her rehearsal let alone make it to the wedding?! Party on, girlfriend!)

The Big Day:

My own anxiety was building on the way to my bride’s vacation home, mainly because I had no idea what shape the bride was going to be in from the night before. But, I also realized that I am usually excited to start a wedding, and on this day I felt sad because I had met this bride and groom a year before and they had been so connected and in love. That connection and love had not been evident the previous day, but I was hoping it was today. I entered the bridal suite with a big smile, crossing my fingers that everything would run smoothly. My bride was sitting, mimosa in hand, enjoying her pedicure. She was animated and greeted me enthusiastically. (Okay, this is a good sign.) I quickly noticed that she looked the same as she had when I left the previous evening (Oh, shit!) Her hair was up, her makeup was kind of still on, even the false eyelashes were intact. (Holy shitballs, she hadn’t showered and it was 1 PM! WTF? Does this chick ever bathe? Here we go again, I needed to get her in the shower and she was half lit!) Internally, I started to panic as she was supposed to be ready for photos in two hours. I quickly put a halt to the pedicure and escorted/half-dragged her to the bathroom. As I closed the shower door I thought, this woman is a party machine, I don’t think anything is going to sober her up, this is going to be a shit show!

Thirty minutes later, I was frantically blow-drying her hair and applying moisturizing serum to her hungover / dehydrated face, the aesthetician was painting her toe nails, and I had also sourced some food for her to eat. In between bites she tells me that her hair and makeup were so amazing yesterday, they lasted all night. She said she partied till 3 AM, got sick 3 times, slept for a few hours but still got up and did yoga at 8 AM. She was raving that she looked good through it all because I had done her hair and makeup. (Jesus Christ, honey, you are lucky you are upright, and how the fuckin’ hell am I gonna make you look good now? You’re hungover and drunk!  I just prayed she was drunk enough with her beer goggles on when I showed her the final look! Her girlfriends were in and out of the bridal suite catering to her every little whim, including more tequila (she had moved on from the mimosas). While I was curling her hair, she was obsessing about the music playlist. (Did the playlist really need to be changed right before the wedding? For whatever reason, she needed to do it at that very moment, probably because she didn’t want to deal with what was actually happening, like the fact that she was getting married. Her fiancé came in to retrieve his outfit, she barked an order at him and he snapped a retort. From that moment, they just ignored each other. He left the room without even saying goodbye. My heart broke for them. What had happened to the couple who was so connected, who laughed with each other and adored each other? Now, they couldn’t even look at each other and they were getting married in an hour! WTF?!

By the time I had progressed to her makeup, she was wearing her hangover and stress well. My magic serums and concealers had done the trick. While I was applying her eye makeup, I tried to get her back into the moment and encourage her to remember the love between her and her fiancé. I asked, “I know you love him, but why are you marrying him?” This question usually leads to a list of how a fiancé is so amazing and frequently brings the bride to tears, but this response was not the usual. My bride pondered the question and vaguely answered. “Well, we are best friends and I guess it was time.” Her eyes glazed over and she had a fleeting look of sadness. She quickly pushed her thoughts away and cracked a joke, while downing her margarita. I just laughed and changed the subject. Her girlfriend came to check on her and this time I was not surprised when she requested a shot of tequila and two more Xanax. (When in denial, might as well keep the party going. Party on!

Miraculously, we had her dressed and ready to go on time. I thanked the universe and the beer goggles that she was happy with how she looked, as I did not know if she was going to stall the wedding by nit picking about a piece of hair or her lipstick colour. As I gave her a hug goodbye, I just said, “Go get married and have an amazing time.” She looked at me with glassy eyes and said, “After all this, I better have a fuckin’ good time!”

Later, as I cracked a bottle of wine, I flipped through some of the photos I had taken earlier that day. I chuckled to myself as I thought about my bride still having her rehearsal look on when I saw her this afternoon. I studied the pictures . . . even hungover and dehydrated she cleaned up pretty good. But, my heart sank when I noticed the anxiety and uncertainty showing in her eyes. I raised my glass and gave a silent toast to Mr. & Mrs. Pill Poppers. In my heart, I hoped they’d make it, but in my gut, I suspected that they’d be split in less than two years. With that thought, it was my turn to slam back a glass of wine.

My Thoughts

Relationships go through many changes. There is a reason why the wedding vow “for better and for worse” exists. However, the time spent before and during your wedding day, are the moments when a couple should be totally connected and honouring the reasons why they love and respect each other. Because it is those memories that will get a couple through the rough patches in the future. If a bride experiences doubt before her wedding or has that nagging feeling that something is not right, she needs to STOP and really look inside herself to ask the harsh question, “Is this the person I want to marry?” If the little girl inside her does not answer with a resounding “YES”, then the wedding should not happen. Why? Because that nagging voice inside the bride will only get louder, even though she can try to suppress it with alcohol, Xanax or many other things. She can avoid the nagging voice by focussing or obsessing about the details, but that nagging voice will only get louder and louder until one day she listens. The question is: do you want to listen to the voice before you make the biggest commitment of your life . . . or after? If you listen to your voice and leave, you will need wine and maybe Xanax, if you ignore the voice and go through with the wedding you will need A LOT more wine and a shit ton of Xanax over the many years of marriage!


Marjie Martini