Drunk and Drugged Out Bitch

Brides the Beauties and the Bitches

Why Do You Want to Get Married?

When it comes to getting married, there are brides who are truly beautiful inside and out and then there are brides who turn into the dreaded Bridezilla. I have dealt with all types of brides on their wedding day, and trust me, all the stress, nervousness, anxiety, excitement, vomiting, freak outs and family drama, comes out while everyone is getting ready. After so many years of making brides pretty, I can tell within minutes of walking in the door on the wedding day, if a bride should be getting married or not. It is my intention that by retelling the love stories, plus all the crazy stories, that I will make future brides laugh, while also realizing how easy it is to become a Bridezilla. My goal is to bring to the forefront the fact that getting married is truly NOT just about the dress, the flowers, the photos or any other crap. Getting married is really about a ceremony and celebration that signifies the union of two people who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together. It is the time of your life when you go from it being all about “you” to it being all about “us”! Believe it or not. . . a wedding is not just about the “bride” and it’s not the “bride’s day” (as society would have us believe). A wedding is actually about the groom and the bride! Go figure! (Interestingly enough, there have also been a few sightings of the rare and elusive creature, “Groomzilla”!)

Drunk and Drugged Out Bitch

Women get married for lots of reasons, however one of the reasons NOT to get married is because you have already planned it. This was the situation of one of my brides. She was 9 months into the wedding planning process, with only a few months to the big day when the shit hit the fan.

Life intervened and she lost her job, her groom lost his mind (temporally due to a prescription drug habit) and they were feeling the “pre-wedding” financial crunch. Deep inside, she should have called it off but at the urging of her friends, she kept it going. Besides, it was going to be a great party, right? Wrong!

The Day Before: When I arrived for my bride’s hair/makeup trial prior to her rehearsal dinner. I found my bride in her bikini, 4 margaritas in, and a hot/sweaty mess. (Most brides are showered and ready to go, when I arrive . . . not in this case.) We finally get started, as I am making her pretty my bride vents non-stop about how her fiancé, had not lifted a finger to help with any of the planning or details over the past week. Then she spilled the juicy tad bit that a few months ago she had to deal with his “small Percocet problem”. My thought: this “small” problem was obviously still a problem as the groom was visibly stoned out of his mind when I arrived. The margaritas opened up my bride and out came the full confessional, her past 6 months had been super stressful and she had felt completely isolated. She admitted that she had seriously thought about postponing the wedding. But, she was convinced to keep going. Taking a big sigh, she half smiles and states “Well, I am here, it’s happening so fuck it I am going to have a good time!” I laugh as she then asks her bridesmaid to get her a couple of Xanax and another margarita. My thought: “oh god, I hope she makes it to the wedding!

Wedding Day:

My personal anxiety was building on the way to my bride’s vacation home, mainly because I had no idea what shape the bride was going to be in from the night before. But, I also realized that I am usually excited to start a wedding, but this day I felt sad because I had met this bride and groom a year before and they had been so connected and so much in love. That connection and love had not been evident the previous day, but I was hoping it was today.  I entered the bridal suite with a big smile, crossing my fingers that everything would run smoothly. My bride was sitting, Mimosa in hand enjoying her pedicure.  She was animated and greeted me enthusiastically. Okay, this is a good sign I thought! Wrong! I quickly noticed that she looked the same as she had when I left the previous evening. Her hair was up, her makeup was kind of still on, even the false eyelashes were intact. Holy shit, she hadn’t showered, it was 1pm! She needed to be ready for photos in 2 hours. I quickly put a halt to the pedicure and encouraged her to get in the shower, during this process it was also evident that she was half cut! As, I closed the bathroom door, My thought: I prayed the shower would sober her up.

30 min later, I am frantically blow-drying her hair, while applying moisturizer serum to her hungover/dehydrated face, the aesthetician was painting her toe nails and I have sourced some food for her to eat. In between bites she retells me that her hair/makeup was amazing it lasted all night, she partied till 3 am, got sick 3 times and still did yoga at 8am. Her girlfriends are in and out of the bridal suite catering to everything she wants, including more tequila. (She has moved on from the Mimosas) While I am curling her hair, she is obsessing about the music playlist. My thought: Does the playlist really need to be changed right before the wedding. But, for whatever reason she must do it at this moment, probably because she does not want to deal with what is actually happening, like the fact she is getting married. Her fiancé comes in to retrieve his outfit, she barks an order at him and he snaps a retort. From that moment, they just ignored each other. He left the room without even saying goodbye. My heart broke for them. What had happened to the couple that use to be so connected, who laughed with each other and adored each other. Now, they could not even look at each other and they were getting married in an hour! WTF!

I had progressed to her makeup, she was wearing the hangover and stress well. My magic serums and concealers had done the trick. While I was applying her eye makeup I tried to get her back into the moment and encourage her to remember the love between her and her fiancé. I asked her, “I know you love him, but why are you marrying him?” This question, usually leads to list of how a fiancé is so amazing and frequently bring the bride to tears. The response I received was not the usual. My bride pondered the question and vaguely answered. “Well, we are best friends and I guess it was time.” Her eyes glazed over and she had a fleeting look of sadness. She quickly pushed her thoughts away and cracked a joke, while downing her margarita. I just laughed and changed the subject. Her girlfriend cam e to check on her, this time I was not surprised when she requested a shot of tequila and two more Xanax. My thought, when in denial might as well keep the party going.

Miraculously, we had her dressed and ready to go on time. I thanked the universe that she was happy with how she looked, as I did not know if she was going to stall the wedding by nit picking about a piece of hair or her lipstick color. As I gave her a hug goodbye. I just said,” go get married and have an amazing time.” She looked at me with glazed eyes and said, “After all this, I better have a fuckin good time!”

As I cracked a bottle of wine I flipped through some of the photos I had taken earlier that day. I chuckled to myself as I thought about my bride still having her rehearsal look on, this afternoon. I study the pictures . . . even hung over and dehydrated she cleaned up pretty good. But, my heart sinks because I can see the anxiety and uncertainty in her eyes. I raise my glass and give a silent toast to Mr & Mrs Pill Poppers. In my heart, I hope they make it, but in my gut, I suspect that they will be split in less then 2 years.

My Thoughts

Relationships go through many changes. There is a reason the wedding vow “for better and for worse” exists. However, the time before and during your wedding day, these are the moments when a couple should be totally connected and be honoring the reasons why they love and respect each other. Because it is those memories that will get a couple thru the rough patches in the future. If a bride experiences doubt before her wedding, or has that nagging feeling that something is not right. That is when she needs to STOP and really go inside herself and ask herself the harsh question, “Is this the person I want to marry?” If the little girl inside her does not answer with an overwhelming “YES”, then the wedding should not happen. Why? Because that nagging voice inside the bride will only get louder, she can supress it with alcohol, Xanax or many other things. She can avoid the nagging voice by focusing or obsessing about the details but that nagging voice will only get louder and louder until one day she listens. The question is: do you want to listen to the voice before you make the biggest commitment of your life…or after?

Cheers, Marjie Martini