What the hell is going on? In the past three months five totally awesome and amazing women I know all over the age of forty have kicked their significant others to the curb. It’s over, they are getting a divorce! Boom, bang and done! Some of these women have been in these relationships for years, ranging from two to seven to 25+ and a few included children as young as 18 months to as old as 20. Though all of these situations were different, there was one common theme throughout. These women had tried over and over again to be happy with themselves, help make their partners happy and make the relationships work but they all walked away independently (including the ones with kids) for the sole reason that they did not feel cherished or loved. All of them left because they wanted to be on their own and not because they had found another partner, even though they could have. What totally blows my mind, however, is that in every single case the men had no idea and/or were in complete denial that his partner was unhappy; they were shocked and dumbfounded by the fact that their partners had decided to leave them.
All of this drama and upheaval, which of course included many evenings of tears and wine because these decisions had been coming for not just months, but years, made me begin to think. What was causing these relationships to end? How could these couples be so disconnected? Are men in our society so out of touch with their partners that they are oblivious to what is going on in their relationship and how their partner actually feels? So I asked the guys what happened and what I found out was shocking. Yes, they are totally out of touch with what is going on with their partners. But what is even more disturbing is that in every case the men were completely out of touch with themselves. None of them accepted any responsibility for the relationship ending and they all blamed other factors: work, stress or their partner. They suffered from lack of self-esteem, disliked their careers and had never done any work on themselves (i.e. counselling, self-help books, meditation, yoga or even simply talking to their buddies and getting some advice). And of course, instead of dealing with their issues, several chose to medicate themselves instead with drugs or alcohol. This had been going on for years and they were in denial that their addiction may have been a factor in losing their relationships.
One day my girlfriend and I were discussing her 29-year relationship and all the ensuing ups and downs. She said that over the years when she wasn’t happy she kept working on herself. She tried everything to evolve and improve, from counselling to workshops and life coaches; you name it, she tried it. But what she realized is that as she grew and evolved, her husband had remained the same. He was stuck in the past reliving how great his life was in his 20s. Now in his late 40s, he is still doing the same job and hating it, still talking about his dreams that he had never pursued, still doing the same hobbies and still drinking with his buddies. It was as though he had not matured past the age of 28. She said it got to the point where she felt they were existing on two different planes. They just didn’t relate to each other anymore. If they did not share a child they would most likely not even communicate. She felt that she had left him behind. As I listened I realized that she was totally and completely correct. She had evolved to a place of higher consciousness, she had grown and now filled her life with gratitude, happiness, compassion, trust and faith in the universe. She had left her husband behind because he still resided in a consciousness that was filled with ego, fear, lack, disappointment and dishonesty. Even with that understanding she still cared for him and loved him, but after a few hours of discussing her marriage she confessed that the real reason she had left was because she felt that he did not honour and cherish her.
That was it, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. The key, the reason why all these women had left their relationship was not because of drinking, drugs, abuse, workaholics or the cheating. These were the symptoms of a man who was out of touch with himself. These were the issues that created the catalyst of the break. The real reason all these women left is because for years they have not felt honoured, respected, cherished and truly taken care of by their MAN!Traditionally men were meant to be the providers and women the nurturers. So men went off and hunted, gathered and provided for their families while the women nurtured the home, family and their men. Fast forward 200 years and the roles have changed. Now, in many cases, the modern day woman is not only the bread winner and provider but also the nurturer of the home and family, in addition to supporting and nurturing their man. Not to mention they are still expected to be a total sex kitten. But even though we CAN do it all, we really don’t want to anymore. The modern day woman is exhausted and out of steam and it is starting to show. More women between the ages of 35 and 45 are developing health issues related to their thyroids and hormone imbalances and one of the key causes is stress. (check out this book called Rushing Woman’s Syndrome, it is amazing).
Women can only give so much before eventually our cup empties. After a few years of not feeling honoured, cherished and provided for in a way that we need it, we just simply detach. Once we detach, it is over. It may take a few years but eventually there will be a catalyst that causes the eventual break. All of my girlfriends detached years ago. It’s only now that they are walking.
Have men lost their purpose or role in our modern day relationships? I believe most of them have. I seriously had to sit and think about all the men I know, and I know a lot of men! I have guy friends, surf buddies, ex-lovers, ex-partners and all the husbands of my clients/colleagues and girlfriends. Out of all of them, I could only count seven men that I truly believe “get it” and by “get it” I mean they have done the work on themselves, they have evolved in consciousness and they truly honour, cherish and take care of their women. Many of the men I know still believe that if they make money and provide for their partner and family that money is enough. Let’s be realistic, money is a factor but it’s not the one thing that a women desires. The modern day man has one thing that he is truly responsible for and that is NOT providing food and money, it is to honour the beauty within his woman and protect the little girl that is inside of her. (Every guy who is reading this right now is thinking, and how the fuck do I do that?)
Sadly, the truth is that most men don’t know how to honour their woman, protect her or provide what she needs to feel cherished. When is the last time a man asked his woman what she needed to feel taken care of, or how he could support her and provide for her in a way that she needed? Hey, dudes out there! Have you EVER asked the woman in your life that question? If you have, kudos to you… you are one of the evolved ones.
Most women just want their partner to honour their beauty, and not just physical beauty, it is different for every woman. That, unfortunately, is what guys have to figure out. It is like a big jigsaw puzzle! Once you figure out the key piece then the rest of the puzzle becomes easy. So guess what gentlemen? You need to figure out how to honour your women and do it in a way that works for her. You might have to, god forbid, ask her, or you can observe and see if she is a woman that needs intimacy to feel cherished, or maybe she is a woman who feels special when you spend time with her one-on-one. Or maybe she is a woman that feels supported when you clean the house or take out the garbage. A lot of men think that it is all about the gift-giving and flowers, etc. I can tell you that pretty much every woman on the planet is going to be touched by some surprise flowers, but gifts are only an added bonus. What it truly comes down to is that a man needs to find out what his woman needs to feel honoured and cherished. This does not in any way let the ladies off the hook! Ladies, it is also your responsibility to know yourself and be able to communicate what it is that you need to feel special and taken care of.
When I spoke to the seven guys that I know who “get it,” ironically, they all knew what their women needed! Plus they freely and honestly admitted that they truly admired and honoured their ladies. In their opinion, their ladies “rocked.” So here is the key for all the couples out there. GUYS: your role is to honour the beauty of your woman, to cherish her and protect her. To do this, just figure out what she requires to make her feel that way. Once you do figure it out and practice honouring her inner beauty you will have the most amazing happy life. She will in turn treat you like a King! As the saying goes, happy wife, happy life!
Added note: It is the responsibility of each person in a relationship to know themselves and what they require to be happy, both independently and in a partnership, and be able to communicate it to their partner. There are many people available that can help couples/individuals learn that about themselves and develop better communication skills. Two of the people I have used over the years that have helped me understand and improve myself as a person are: