Big Pickle Martini

The Tale of the Big Pickle Martini

How big does it have to be? Does size really matter? These questions have persisted since society began discussing the topic of sex. The main assertion will always be: “It is not size that matters, it is how you use it that matters”, blah, blah, blah. However, the real question that every modern woman must eventually answer is, “How big do I want my man’s pickle to be?” On the flip side, the question presented to every man is: “Am I big enough?” Why is it that, in the English language, we refer to being in a predicament as “being in a pickle”? Well, this is the story of how one woman’s search for the perfect pickle ends up putting her in a huge pickle.

A few weeks ago, I was in a pickle of my own. I really wanted to play, but was scheduled to write a column and sample some new martini recipes. Convincing myself that I could do both, I packed up my computer and martini kit and headed off to my friend’s lakefront cabin for a weekend of fun in the sun. This weekend would also include some serious martini sampling and what ended up being, undoubtedly, the most hilarious conversations I have ever had. Upon arriving, I broke out the martini kit and mixed up my latest creation, which was a unique blend of fresh cucumber and ginger muddled with Hendricks Gin and Giffard Ginger of the Indies liqueur. Once stirred, I served this martini in a green stemmed martini glass, garnished with a long spear of cucumber. Upon tasting my new concoction, my girlfriend announced that this martini was truly the biggest and best pickle she had ever tried! (Yes, this is how the martini got its name.) The aroma of cucumber and ginger is so fresh and inviting that when you taste this blend it is totally smooth. It’s not too sweet or too sour – just perfect. The Big Pickle Martini goes down exceptionally well on a hot summer afternoon, and that day, it resulted in all of us getting totally pickled. This is how the ongoing pickle debate started and how my girlfriend’s predicament was revealed.

After a few martinis, the conversation quickly turned to other types of pickles. We started by discussing why we refer to a man’s penis as a pickle. Obviously, it is because of the shape, but why do we not call it a cucumber or a banana? Perhaps it’s due to the fact that the taste of a man’s spunk is generally salty and so is the taste of a pickle. Well, for whatever reason, the word “pickle” had stuck.

The boys in our group all boasted that they had the biggest pickle, which was interesting because when we asked them to go measure, they declined of course! One of our buddies did admit that men do secretly compare pickle size in the locker room. The ladies unanimously admitted that size is a major requirement for good sex and that the perfect pickle is between six and eight inches long (depending on the size of the woman). What is a guy to do when he has a small pickle? Girls get boob jobs, but dick enlargements are just not that common. Interestingly enough, the men admitted they wouldn’t mind if their wife/girlfriend augmented her tits, but they would never consider having surgery on their penises. I love how our society has produced another perfect example of the male/female double standard.

After the heated pickle debate, the conversation turned to discussing the craziest of predicaments – or pickles – we had ever gotten ourselves into. There were tales of getting thrown in jail and crazy nights out when you woke up and did not know where you were. We all confessed some sort of pickle, except for my girlfriend. When pressed to reveal her biggest pickle, she confessed that she was currently in it. It seemed my girlfriend had been holding out and the martinis finally induced her to confess that she had been secretly dating a boy for the past six months whom she referred to as Mr. Yummy. Her pickle was that Mr. Yummy had the most amazing penis she had ever seen – it was eight and a half inches long (yes, she had measured), it had great girth, and it was perfectly manicured. The best part was that he definitely knew how to use it. The pickle was perfect, but the predicament was that he was a few years younger than she. When we pressed her to tell us his age, she shyly admitted that he was twenty-two years old. Well this info sent the ladies into shrieks of celebration and we were all secretly envious.

The men’s comments were slightly more negative and included utterances of disbelief (they were all jealous of the boy’s pickle), hilarious diaper innuendos, and questions about the young lad’s supply of facial hair. All jokes aside, my girlfriend admitted that she did not know how the relationship had happened. It began as a harmless friendship, and led to a casual, sexual fling. In the beginning, she had no intention of having a relationship with a guy sixteen years her junior, but somehow it had just continued, and they got along fabulously. She was inspired by his open mind, passion for life, and the sex they had! Well, with his pickle and youthful stamina, the sex was frequent and fantastic.

“It is a bonus for a man and woman to be in their sexual prime at the same time.”

Plus, he absolutely adored her. However, a few nights ago he dropped the “L” word and it freaked her out because she realized that she did have serious feelings for Mr. Yummy. She was in a serious pickle as she did not know whether to continue this relationship with a man sixteen years younger. This required some more Big Pickle Martinis.

As we sipped our drinks, the conversation turned to the issue of age. Why is it socially acceptable for a man to date a woman sixteen years younger, but not the other way around? Hell, men are envied by their buddies for having a younger, hotter girlfriend, and their buddies never ask if they have anything in common with said woman. The common denomination is obvious – sex! One of the couples present that night had been married for ten years and the husband was sixteen years older than his wife. His wife defended the union based upon life experience, as they had met when she was in her early thirties. Would this really make a difference? When asked if the age gap bothered her, she said she rarely thought about it as they shared similar interests.

We were told that Mr. Yummy had great values and life experience. He was also open to communicating and was genuine – he meant what he said. He valued his partner’s opinion, insight and experience. It was refreshing for her to date a man who lacked physical and emotional baggage. There was no ex-wife or kids, and he was not bitter or jaded like many of the older men she had previously dated. So what was the problem? If he was so great, why was she not telling everyone?

When posed this question, she looked at us like we had horns growing out of our heads, and then completely lost it! The pickle was not the relationship, but the social discrimination from society, and us, her friends! That is why she had kept it a secret. Everyone in her social circle immediately formed an opinion, made jokes, and criticized the relationship. They discriminated against him based upon his age. Isn’t that what we had just done, when she had confessed her affair? If she had confessed an affair with a man who was a Buddhist, was Chinese, or physically handicapped, would he have been discriminated against so quickly? She was right. We were busted and completely ashamed of ourselves.

What she had found interesting was that his social group had accepted her without judgement. They thought that it was cool that she was older and they had never made any judgemental comments about her relationship with Mr. Yummy. What had happened to our generation? She was once proud of being an eighties child, a generation X’er, and part of an era of innovators, problem solvers, and entrepreneurs. But, for all of our bragging about being open-minded and thinking outside of the box, what it really comes down to is that we pass judgement and resist change more than any other generation (as our parents did before us). Her predicament was not about having a relationship with a younger man. The true pickle was whether or not she could let go of the criticisms that would be placed on her by her peers. The plus side was that she was with a great guy who just happened to have the biggest and best pickle ever. Between that and The Big Pickle Martini, she would make it through all the judgement.

Big pickles can be entertaining, but they may also lead to a predicament. Maybe there is a reason why the cucumber was stuffed into a jar and made very salty. The label should come with a warning: “Risks associated with opening jar!” The flavours of ginger and cucumber make the Big Pickle Martini incredibly smooth, which in turn increases the risk of consumption and confession. When you find yourself in a pickle or predicament, ask yourself if you truly have an issue, or are you simply responding to societal, preconceived judgements? Next time you judge someone based upon their age, remember that they may have more to offer than you think. They may offer you some insight or an amazing opportunity. And they just might give you a big pickle!

Intuitive thoughts by Marjie Martini